Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12/12/12: Live Updates Of The Sandiest Concert Ever

There's been a lot of people clammering about how "12/12/12" is a once in a lifetime event. Yeah. Someday when your kids insist you tell them about that momentous day, what will you tell them? "I had a meatball sub and went Christmas shopping." Not. So. Special.

Fortunately, tonight is also 12/12/12: The Sandy Relief Concert, which I will review for you moment by moment. You lucky dog!

While I will be heaping out rich helpings of sarcasm and almost-humerous wit, I ask that everyone does what they can to help at

Let's get started.

7:25: CSI: Miami. Oh sad, foolish CSI: Miami. Does everyone in Florida talk in obvious observations and reach for puns to prove their professional swagger? One can only hope. The episode ends with a girl coming out of a coma and naming her supplier. Well, that makes it easy. I'd say that such a swift ending is... pretty dope. YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.....

7:30: Sandy's Greatest Hits Compilation. All your favorites: Hurricane photos, youtube videos of kids crying, the live crowd cheering at the wrong moments. They either don't see the destruction we're watching at home or they are really into The Weather Channel.

7:33: Bruce Springsteen  mentions thunder and railroads in the first twenty seconds of the opening song. This is where I usually skip to the deep cuts. He continues "Land of Hopes and Dreams," a song that features the most trains since "Conjunction Junction." Ever notice that The Boss never counts to 4? "1,2..." or "2,3,4!"... You've gotta wonder.

7:41: Springsteen launches into "Wrecking Ball." At first listen, it sounds preeetty insensitive. Too soon, Boss.

7:45: Flashback to THIS. Kinda hoping for the American sequel in 3....2....1...... nope.

7:46: Bruce warms up the crowd for the "big night." Not the most sensual thing he's said, but it's up there. He gets oddly specific. "There's an alley behind Shelley's Liquor where I used to shoot all kinds of drugs...." (not really.)

7:48: Well, this WAS a concert. Now it's Bruce's audio version of Walk The Line.

7:49: "City of Ruins." I get that he's relating these songs to Sandy and his home. But it's getting pretty obvious that all Bruce has done on the last decade is write songs about shitty happenings on the Jersey Shore. Like a depressing Boardwalk Empire. Only Steve Buscemi isn't playing the tambourine out of time.

7:53: My fiancee is genuinely concerned Bruce is going to a) have a heart attack saying "COME ON!" or b) shit his pants.

7:55: Bruce seems to be buying time with his "Sha la la"s. Dangerously close to slipping into an Adam Sandler voice.

7:56: If Bruce is the hero of Jersey, Bon Jovi is the piece of glass you step on playing frisbee on the beach. "Born to Run" never felt so forced.

7:58: Bon Jovi is like Sting. If Sting got drunk at a Christmas party and kept eyeing your girlfriend until she begged you to leave early.

8:05: Billy Crystal is still alive! And still throwing softballs. Homeland, Long Island Power, state legislation, jewish jokes... IS ANYONE STILL AWAKE?

8:07: The ocean Billy loved caused so much damage. Way to go, Billy Crystal! To add insult to injury, a bad Robert DeNiro impression.

8:09: Shouldn't the Robin Hood Relief Fund be stealing from Billy Crystal and giving to Sandy Victims? Just sayin'...

8:09: BREAKING NEWS: It's the fifth day of Hanukkah. Now you know.

8:10: Martha Stewart hasn't gotten enough face time, so she hid herself strategically behind the POWERHOUSE that is Susan Sarandon.

8:11:Roger Waters and Eddie Vedder, sounds like a concert is starting in MSG...

8:14: Waters was casted as Ricky Gervais' father tonight. The man wears a lot of black t-shirts.

8:17: Roger Waters says no to Sandy victims receiving education. Sad, really.

8:20: Eddie Vedder has had an AWKWARD 5 minute wait on stage so far. If only he had brought a magazine.

8:22: "Money." A song about how useless money is. At a concert. Asking people to donate money...

8:24: WHOA. Someone was late on the censor button. Especially when "Bullshit" is in the lyrics! Can't wait for Kanye!!!

8:28: The sax solo means it's that time, folks. YOU KNOW THAT TIME... Naptime at Madison Square Gardens.

8:29: Which is worse: Bruce getting us down about the destruction of the coast or Eddie Vedder just getting us down? I need an antidepressant to get through this set.

8:31: No end in sight... Running to the kitchen to the dulcet sounds of Vedder and Waters tear-soaked vibes...

8:35: It looks like Roger Waters is serenading a hurricane. A sexy hurricane...

8:36: Eddie Vedder gets a huge cheer for simply changing it up.

8:39: Vedder is great at singing handless or strangle-y.

8:45: Speaking of disasters, it's Adam Sandler.

8:51: Kristen Stewart rolled out of bed to look uncomfortable and read through her haze of money and talentless fog.

9:03: Let me get all of my Bon Jovi vitriol out real quick: nice turtleneck, jackass. Let's hear some strip club music. Doing a great impression of Jack Black.

9:09: Bon Jovi has reduced Springsteen to Wiggles quality. I would count how many times they are saying "S'ALRIGHT" but I can only count to 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

9:12: While Bon Jovi continues down his shallow list of hits, I'm going to research when the last time was he wrote a real hit...

9:15: OK, so technically hie still sells records. But only Gold on "The Circle"? Weak, Jovi. Weak.

9:17: You can't miss Chris Chirstie in a crowd. Important or fat? You decide.

9:21: John Stewart gets the first laugh of the night!

9:22: No one threw the hurricane at you, John. Except God. I guess...

9:23: Cheeseburgers and mini-golf, John? ....... Where can I get that this time of night??

9:26: It's Gary Old-..... Eric Clapton!

9:34: This is dangerously close to turning into a Phish-esque jam session. Now is the time to call FEMA.

9:39: They keep saying Kanye West like it's a threat...

9:40: I don't know who the woman in the purple dress is, who put her onstage or why it seems like the teleprompter is swinging to and fro, but... better than Kristen Stewart.

9:45: Jimmy Fallon is one step away from a bad John Travolta impression. "Aw, geez guys! This is CRAZY! Wow!" Guess there are WORSE impressions. Wink wink. Nudge Nudge. Etc.

9:48: Ladies and Gentleman, Mick Jagger's Skeleton!

9:51: There's something infinitely amusing in the idea of Jagger falling mid-cocky move and sentence. "I WAS A- AH, F@*!ING SH(# MY ASS!"

9:55: Keith Richards keeps forgetting and remembering where he is midsong.

9:57: Jagger has shed most of his clothes to reveal his Ricky Gervais costume.

10:01: Stephen Colbert laying down the hard facts! "Paul McCartney, cut your hair and lose the accent; you're a role model."

10:04: Hey, it's P "Untalented Kanye" Diddy and 13!

10:07: I'd give 1,000 dollars for Alicia Keys to start singing "SKYFAAAAAALL...."

10:12: Alicia Keys could read a cereal box and it will sound seductive.

10:13: "I want you to get your cell phones out for me." Damn, Alicia Keys. Getting all Rhianna on me...

10:17: Alicia could slip her grocery list into the song and no one will notice.

10:21: Steve Buscemi is blitzed. Luckily, his googly eyes are sober, so he'll make it through the night.

10:25: Steve Buscemi got verbally abused by Chris Christie's brother. That should have been the closer!

10:28: The Who may be the only infallible thing to happen tonight.

10:38: Wow, an actual tearjerking performance by Keith Moon. RIP.

10:40: No one should play Pinball Wizard without Elton John dressed fantastically.

10:43: Wow, the destruction footage behing The Who is bada-......oh.... whoops....

10:48: A beautiful use of the microphone to inject heroine!

11:01: "Have a fucking beer!" -Pete Townsend

11:03: There is NO difference between James Gandolfini and Will Sasso.

11:11: Chris Rock has been on stage for two minutes and hasn't said #*@@(#@*#2*! once. I'm amazed!

11:13: I've never been as jealous of something as Kanye's leather skirt.

11:19: No person can deny Jesus Walks. It's like Gangnam Style of the rap world.

11:28: Kanye is in a marathon right now. Paul McCartney has been pushed to 2:00 am.

11:33: The censor worked for the first time! Kanye is about to the point where he is rasping and reading his lyrics.

11:35: I can't tell if Jimmy Fallon and Jack McBreer were a part of Brian Williams' bit or just annoyed...

11:37: Bobby Moynahan is trying harder than Bon Jovi. And doing better. Barely.

11:38: Jake Gyllenhal is here tonight to play Joaquin Phoenix.

11:42: "BILLY JOEL? You play Captain Jack or you get the F@*# outta here!" That's what one drunk 50 year old man is saying somewhere.

11:45: "Only The Good Die Young" would be SO AWKWARD...

11:47: Billy Joel is "Movin' Out"... of Jersey.

11:57: More than one person in the crowd just woke up thinking Billy Joel was done. Realizing he wasn't they went back to bed.

12:00: I wonder how many people in MSG are losing patince. Because I sure am...

12:02: Billy Joel: Mitt Romney's heavy metal.

12:04: "You May Be Right" is something a lame dad gives his punk rock son. "He rides his motorcycle in the rain, son!"

12:08: Worst censor ever. Misses the swears, bleeps the sentences.

12:09: There it is. "Only The Good Die Young." AWKWARD.

12:13: And now, the saddest sequel to UP imaginable...

12:15: You can't see it, but snipers are ready to fire if Chris Martin doesn't speed this show along.

12:18: MICHAEL STIPE? Nice surprise, Chris Martin. #nosarcasm

12:23: A nice jab at the rock and roll elderly by Chris Martin.

12:29: Katie Holmes' first appearance since her escape.

12:33: Quentin Tarantino does not disappoint. The censor was ready on the button that time.

12:35: After 5 hours, Paul McCartney takes the stage. We made it, America!!!

REMEMBER! Go to to donate!

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