In less my memory deceives me, you’re not allowed to use Star Wars’ figurines in Battleship.
Trust me, I’ve tried.
“Star Destroyers aren’t a part of this game, idiot,” my brother used to taunt me when, in a last ditch effort, I’d deploy the Empire’s forces. I lost a lot of good TIE Fighters in the battle that ensued off the grid.
Well, it looks like Peter Berg and the Hoeber brothers (Erich and Jon) are siding with me, for better or worse.
You know these guys, right? Sure you do! Berg was the director who brought you gold like "The Kingdom," "The Rundown" and "The Hancock" (it just fits better if you say it that way). Remember seeing those movies and wondering if the director was shitfaced the whole time he was shooting? Well if his IMDB picture says anything, you might be onto something.
The Hoebers penned two... count em, TWO films in the last decade: "Whiteout" (more plot elements than snow) and "Red" (Cocoon with guns).
This trio has teamed up to bring you "Battleship!" Why? Because they can!
Liam Neeson is taking a break from being a God ("Clash/Wrath of the Titans" movies), a survivor ("The Grey") and a deadly family man ("Unknown", "Taken" and, by all accounts, his actual life) to head a cast including a "True Blood face", Brooklyn Decker (“who?” good question.) and Taylor Kitsch, the man who RUINED Gambit.
Oh, and Rihanna. She stills does music stuff right? Sure.
This isn’t the first movie loosely based off a game from the olden days (Mousehunt = Mouse Trap; "Real Steel" = Rock em Sock em Robots = FAIL) and it won’t be the last. Monopoly is working it’s way through the system as we speak.
Funny story: When I first saw the trailer for "The Darkest Hour", I thought it was Monopoly for a moment. Watch it and tell me it wouldn’t be intense.
But here’s Ridley Scott’s thoughts on a "Monopoly" movie:
“I created a comedic, lovable loser who lives in Manhattan and works at a real estate company and he’s not very good at his job but he’s great at playing Monopoly. And the world record for playing is 70 straight days – over 1,600 hours – and he wanted to try to convince his friends to help him break that world record. They think he is crazy. They kid him about this girl and they’re playing the game and there’s this big fight. And he’s holding a Chance card and after they’ve left he says, ‘Damn, I wanted to use that Chance card,’ and he throws it down. He falls asleep and then he wakes up in the morning and he’s holding the Chance card, and he thinks, ‘That’s odd.’”
He’s all groggy and he goes down to buy some coffee and he reaches into his pocket and all he has is Monopoly money. All this Monopoly money pours out. He’s confused and embarrassed and the girl reaches across the counter and says, ‘That’s OK.’ And she gives him change in Monopoly money. He walks outside and he’s in this very vibrant place, Monopoly City, and he’s just come out of a Chance Shop. As it goes on, he takes on the evil Parker Brothers in the game of Monopoly.”
Sound like a Requiem for a Dream Sequel to me. can we get Jared Leto for an amputated lead role?
So, let’s brainstorm, Inscapednauts. How about Candy Land?
Let’s take Kitsch and give him a brain aneurism. You’re welcome, nerds everywhere. As he hangs between life and death, he’s transported to a world of pure imagination (suck it, Gene Wilder!) where he meets that peppermint looking clown, played by Johnny Depp. The fat king dude? Ray Liotta. That’ll scare some kids. The sludgey dude? Obviously Seth Rogen. And the fairy on the box? Helen Mirren. Why? Fuck it, that’s why.
How about Life?
A socially inept kid creates a way to live a proxy life.. shit, that’s "Social Network." Sorry, David Fincher.
Remember a few years back when all movie-lovers wanted was original ideas? No more shitty sequels? No more remakes? I remember telling Editor extraordinaire Tim that there couldn’t be anything worse.
And it turns out, much like my Darth Vader offensive, I was dead wrong.
- Dan Segraves